I wrote this in August 2020.
To my ADHD.
I always knew you were in the background, grabbing my attention. I absolutely hated you. I didn't know your name was ADHD.
I thought you were a creature called 'Sh*t Me'. You stopped me from adulting. You mucked up dinner planning and studying and focussing. You pushed me to make quick-fire super-fast decisions that were confusing. You'd get me to change my mind again and again. You would prod my emotions with a hot poker, so they exploded, albeit inwardly. Huge fierce painful eruptions. You used a big eraser to wipe out memory, deciding some things did not need to be put in the memory bank.
And I was ashamed of you. I ignored you. If I kept quiet, no one would know you were causing me trouble in the background. But sometimes your chaos showed and I'd hate it when others discovered the chaos.
I was lucky, I had people around me who saw your chaos leak out and still loved me. They saw the spill but mostly saw my strengths or saw the spill as funny quirks, not knowing that I hated having no control over you.
I wanted you to not be there. I pretended you weren't, but I could feel you as a squirm in my tummy. I could feel you as sadness and a fear you were going to take over. Fear that you'd be seen. That scared the life out of me. You were a damp sponge and sometimes soaked up my energy.
Luckily, I still shone and it was indeed luck. Life circumstances, privileges, and a vocation that let me shine.
Then earlier this year, I looked at you for the first time. Instead of turning away, I stared at you full-on. We stared right at each other and it was as scary as f*ck. And you announced yourself as my ADHD. That was a shock.
ADHD, my friend, you are not the enemy. You were never the enemy and I need not have been so scared.
It has been three months since we got acquainted. Nice to meet you and get to know you. I'm still getting to know you. I'm learning that I need you as much as you need me. We are starting to make a good team, helping each other out.
Behind the fear I see that you give me humour and passion, give me hyperfocus and an almighty sense of justice, as well as parts of my intelligence and strength previously hidden from me. I am more than I thought I was. Sometimes we fall out but with a bit of TLC we are figuring this out together.
Love from me.
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