The muddle in my brain and poor memory is something I always think makes me look incompetent. I feel daft when I have to either attempt something my brain can't do or when I have to explain to others about that particular difficulty. It is a weird combination because when my brain works, it is phenomenal. And when phenomenal and I am explaining my poor memory and my difficulties, I look like a fraud because I am intelligent.
But when my brain is foggy, I cannot find the words to explain what is going on. So others can make judgements and disregard me and I am left defenceless and stuck, unable to access the very intelligence I need, my own intelligence, that would help get me out of the Fog.
Fog can happen because of what I have or have not eaten/drunk. Sensory issues and previous overwhelm cause fog. Big emotions or an emotional shock or something unexpected can 'bring on the Fog'. Tiredness creates fogginess. And whether I am naturally stimulated because boredom is my enemy.
To be clear, foggy equals a shutdown of my skills, intelligence and personality. I mask well so others do not always know I've gone foggy. (search for other posts on masking, or The Autistic Advocate writes about Masking).
There is old emotional trauma there. Trauma is not an 'event'. Trauma from the emotional distress of feeling incapable, and looking incapable, since as early as I can remember. Experiencing ADHD fog before I knew I was ADHD.
Not knowing why I went blank. I knew people saw me as intelligent but I was only ever one question away from being 'found out'. I'd be in a group and a subject would open up and it highlighted the many blank, brain gaps where my memory fails me. My general knowledge is dire because of my poor working memory.
My fear was that people would discover how little I held in my memory, how little I 'knew'. Then they would know I was a fraud and I'd be called a cheat for 'appearing' intelligent when I wasn't.
My fear stopped me from taking chances. I quit things and even during my Counselling and Psychotherapy Degree, I went to quit several times. Each time a Tutor would reel me in, fighting my corner and helping me believe I could do this.
I now recover quicker because I now know I have ADHD and understand my brain. I now know that this is a brain trait of ADHD, the changeable working memory, the impact of stimulation on my brain, the darting attention and frenzied/non-existence focus. I now know why these traits come and go. It is dang confusing and complex.
And as a 50-something, late-diagnosed Counsellor, I am better equipped to manage all this. I have learnt about ND brains, tricks, and skills, and can mostly advocate for myself, with pride, standing taller, explaining that I am ADHD, I am not a fraud, and that this is just a Brain Thing.
And it's ok.
Picture of me, standing tall and proud on a boulder, in a field with hills in the background, in Warwickshire, United Kindom. I am wearing a woolly hat, my favourite hat.
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