ADHD Autistic Chills

Most of my community know that chilling is not easy. To chill can mean under-stimulation and under-stimulation feels stressy/stressful to me.

Whilst that's true, it's not necessarily good to be constantly stimulated.

I've spent the last few years trying to understand nervous systems, in particular mine but also Adhd Autistic nervous systems in general.

I can't implement anything until I understand it.

I need detail. Data. And I need to deep down properly believe it.

If I have some uncertainty about something then I'll either lose interest. It's like I have suction pads that stick to glass/windows. It's strong and tight, like glue, but a weeny bit of air or a gap and I'm done, the interest has been dropped, discarded as if it was never exciting.

That could lead to a post about past dating and Limerance but that's not for today.

So my curiosity about our nervous systems has been there, picked up and put down regularly.

And it's only now that I feel all my learning, books, classes, discussions and interest are coming together, aligned.

Just as well because my Nervous System is fooked.

I have had/am having, an epiphany, a health related alert, that I have to make changes to look after this body of mine.

I've done the Psychological work but not the body stuff.

Why am I sharing?

Because knowing I need to improve my nervous system, does not make it happen.

Knowing, isn't enough and I know you'll understand.

I do all the thinking but not the doing. I get excited and believe I'll do the doing. I tell everyone.

I'm telling you now.

And it must wear people around me down. It can be hard for people to believe my excited enthusiasm topic.

I have compassion for myself now though, when the enthusiasm drops and wilts and fades.

I also have much less shame.

And that's good.

Because sometimes, just sometimes, and I can't predict when, I actually follow through and succeed and then, believe me when I say, I am f#cking glorious.

Truly, f#cking, Glorious.

And that's why I need you to trust every failed, dropped, wilted, faded attempt I make, because if you can genuinely believe me, you'll get to witness the glory.

The glory is in fact, an accumulation of, and an outcome of, and because of, the fails.

I watch others shamed, mocked, looked down at and judged for the fails.

But my God, you should try not to mock us.

I know it's exasperating keeping up with every twist and change we have. It's hard to not think we are making excuses when we give up or keep failing.

Genuinely I know it's hard for the spectators.

We need you to not judge us though.

I saw an O.T. yesterday who didn't judge me for being 54 and stuck.

They knew I knew a lot and they didn't shame me for not doing all that I knew I should, or could, be doing.

They understood me and had faith in me. I felt it viscerally.

Because of that, I could hear them.

They let me get wordy and vulnerable and it sunk in when they said, very simply, that for me to add good things/habits/better self care into my diary, I must remove something from it first.

I had been trying to add self care to my already full diary.

It's seems bl**dy obvious now why it was failing.

So they let me externally process this very obvious issue with them.

I said I have nothing I want or can remove from my diary.

I know it looked like I was resisting or putting barriers up.

I love my work and it happens to pay the bills. Work is a happy hyperfocus and I don't want to reduce it.

Family. I don't want to and can't remove my commitments to them.

O.T. said that family are part of my principals and utterly agreed that they make me who I am.

They were brilliant and asked if they could be blunt. I said yes.

She gave me explicit, clear permission and stern direction, that I must acknowledge I have health issues and reduce my diary commitments as a priority if I want to look after myself better.

There and then, realising how difficult it was to accept putting myself first, I felt the impact of how hard it is being Adhd and Autistic.

ADHD Autistic folk have to work so hard to survive and exist.

It's not easy to find work we love.

I think we are burnt out even before we know we are burnt out.

I think we are more exhausted and more tired than we f#cking know we are.

I think we have to justify ourselves and prove ourselves to be superhuman, just to survive.

I think we are unknowingly and sometimes explicitly taught to ignore our bodies/needs.

We absorb a sense that we are less than even if we know cognitively that we are just Different.

We are on alert, hypervigilant all the time, ready to defend ourselves.

And part of that hypervigilance is not because of our brain type but rather because of the impact of how we are treated and misunderstood and how we misunderstand ourselves.

So when I'm not on the highest setting working hard, I'm crashing on the lowest, unable to do the Things that are good for me.

And then I'm stuck.

That O.T. was awesome and got me out of feeling stuck.

I felt their compassion and care, I felt their truth and I believe, they are one of us.

We are monotropic. And we need to be understood.

Being monotropic in itself doesn't have to hurt, but the sh#t we subconsciously and consciously put up with, does.

Even if you never knew you were Autistic/ADHD, the arm is creeping over us anyway.

I hope that as we rise up and change the narrative about us being different, not less than, we will find self compassion.

We can then find diverse ways to support better health, better identification of our ADHD Autistic needs and start to be damn well respected just as we are.

So this weekend is my final fling, a weekend of learning about trauma, in a hotel, formal training that I hope will be useful for my clients. And for me.

This weekend is also me trying to practice better self care.

Face masks. Pampering. Drinking more fluids. Stretching.

And then a whole week off, space, to try some Tai Chi classes, swim, gentle walks, and to learn to p

ace myself.

When I put my phone down that is.

Steady steps Jilly. Do your best.

Originally posted on 31st January 2025 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page.

Pic description:

Pic description: Me, face Mask (black charcoal) on my otherwise white face. Wet hair pushed back. Bare shoulders. Black headboard behind me.