My whole life I have had a struggle with my memory. I cannot retain information that I do not find interesting. It is mostly that simple.
I am a Counsellor. This morning, I am 'doing Admin', which involves checking bookkeeping, checking appointments are correct, and generally checking I haven't missed anything. Clients are interesting. Booking times in a diary are not interesting.
So here is a real example of how my brain works on a 'very ADHD' day. Today I am 'very ADHD'. Probably because I am tired.
I see an email and cannot remember if I replied.
I start to reply. I know I have poor working memory so I 'check' to see if I had already replied.
I have already replied.
I then remember I have a system whereby, if I have read an email and cannot reply straight away, I change it to 'mark as unread'. This email was showing as read; therefore, I had replied/actioned it.
I had forgotten I used this system.
I had forgotten I had replied.
Even when I have a system, my poor working memory does not always remember I have a system.
Even when I have a system, my poor working memory does not remember that I did use the system.
Even when I have a system, my poor working memory does not always have confidence that I have remembered to use the system.
Even now, 20 minutes after implementing the system, I will have forgotten whether I replied.
I have to rely on systems that do not come naturally to me. We can appear 'useless' when blank, not retaining info. I am often very efficient and quick, yet when I try to recall, I can't. So I look inefficient when in fact, I am efficient.
Having a poor working memory is uncomfortable, distressing, embarrassing, and, most importantly, when confronted and questioned by unsafe people, it renders me powerless.
If forced to remember on the spot by someone who does not understand how my brain works, I am defenceless.
With awareness and understanding, with self acceptance that 'I have poor working memory' I can mostly advocate for myself, taking control of my response without shame.
Poor working memory is linked to processing issues. My processing of information is different too.
Someone who is ableist believes that when a system/strategy is available, it is a simple solution. Someone who is an ableist sees their solution to my problem from their own perspective, unaware or unwilling to see that implementing the system does not give me a good working memory. I still have a poor working memory.
We are different. Different is ok. But ableist folk not respecting or trying to understand our differences is not ok. Comparing our way to your way does not work. I have this brain that darts everywhere, catching tiny details others do not see. This brain finds amazing bits of information and learns super fast. This brain comes up with solutions others sometimes cannot find because I process them differently.
This brain is fun.
And I still have poor working memory.
And I have a degree.
And I am a Professional Counsellor/Psychotherapist.
Work with us, not against us. Work together. We are all valuable in different ways.
Picture: me, short messy hair, red jumper, sitting in my Therapy Room, hands covering eyes, portraying how defenceless we can feel when not understood.
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