Are you safe to be around?

Originally published on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page on 3 October 2024

As usual I responded to someone asking for ideas about working with PDA kids. So I'm sharing my reply here. I have PDA traits.

(PDA, Pervasive Drive for Autonomy).

I am one person, this is my experience and ultimately everyone's experience is different.

PDA is mainly about us wanting autonomy and being able to tell when autonomy is respected/supported.

So we can look oppositional however that's only when we aren't 'safe'.

In safety I'm a pussycat and actually do not want control. I CAN be controlled if I trust you and respect you.

But if I'm controlled by others (without my consent), then I must have control which irritates me as I really really don't like control so I end up irritating myself.

Because I'm Adhd aswell as Autistic, my Exec function (planning, organising, memory) can be a struggle so I get annoyed with myself if I have to have control so end up paralysed psychologically.

Whilst my PDA isn't because of Trauma, I do go INTO Trauma.

Big side note: I have traits. I'm not PDA, but it absolutely resonates with me.

Autism is about needing and wanted to know what happens next and knowing that my need to know 'what happens next' is understood. I need to know I CAN say no.

Even if I don't want or need to say no, I need to know I can. I may need evidence of your reaction to me saying no in order to genuinely believe you are a safe space.

The reason I need to know what happens next is because I have less synaptic pruning so being Autistic means I have more/lots of brain pathways (not better pathways necessarily, just lots).

Thus I think and feel everything MORE.

So navigating what happens next is so that I can be prepared/ready for the overwhelm. If I don't know what happens next then there is the potential to face

sensory/emotional/psychological overwhelm (too many stimulus).

I'm Hyper-phantasic so I have a good imagination and can see things in pictures.

If I were Aphantasic then it may be less easy and more scary if I can't 'see' in my mind what happens next.

Hence control matters. Hence lack of control renders us unsafe. Hence we can trigger bad if we perceive someone/something to be unsafe or if we don't know if something is safe.

So not knowing if something is safe/unsafe = unsafe by default.

Being misunderstood can be a trigger. It's a big one for me. And Autistic/Adhd is very misunderstood so the landscape is genuinely very often, threatening.

Ironically, when I worked with children, I worked well with the PDA kids because (even when I didn't know they were Autistic PDA) giving everyone autonomy mattered.

I wanted safe landscapes for everyone so PDA folk felt safe with me.

Everyone is different so yes, different things trigger people differently.

I can be triggered by something I desperately want to do. I can be triggered by something I have booked myself if it becomes an expectation.

Societal 'norms' can be an expectation. Rules for rules sake, can be a trigger. So it's internal demands, external demands AND unwritten/perceived demands.

I'm a Fawner (my Trauma response) so I won't like confrontation.

But as I heal my Trauma, I actually become more expressive and more confrontational so I Ironically look MORE PDA (on the outside) but inside I'm not. Inside I have more strategies/control/peace.

I'm just able to get my needs met more and I can speak up more nowadays.

I'm probably liked less now than when I fawned more.

Fawning was a Trauma response but Fawning meant I was being disloyal to myself so I had no self Autonomy so the internal hidden conflict was huge.

I had migraines and I reckon my potential CFS/immune issues, is because of all that historical squashed internal conflict.

If this is confusing to Adults, imagine how confusing this is for kids.

I'm late diagnosed so have been learning this stuff about me for 4 years. And it's complex.

If you are PDA but have masses of Autonomy and Privilege then you may never know you are in fact PDA because there's no need for you to know because the odds are that your Privilege means you can find/create safety.

So you may be a powerful PDAer and I may react badly to you.

If you are someone with Privilege and Autonomy, but you are evolved and Empathic then you may be PDA but none of us may know it. You are likely to automatically feel safe to me. Neither of us need to know that either of us are PDA.

Knowing what's underneath the PDA unsafety and why, is the key.

Knowing I can say no/change my mind, is the key.

Big waffle, sorry .

Pic description: View from my sofa, looking out to my garden. Turquoise sofa in shot, grey curtains both sides of the image, white patio windows, Children's playhouse and canvas garden marquee showing. Behind these are my green bushes and blue sky. I need to get up and out, it's a Demand, but I'm tired, so I have a struggle between staying still and moving to action. I'm using nervous system regulation techniques to help me navigate this.