I wanted to share a bit about being sociable.
I was at an event last night and since discovering my ADHD identity, I am becoming more comfortable about being uncomfortable. I'll explain.
I look confident and outgoing because I mask. I know this already. I've learnt how to be sociable in a NeuroTypical way. But masking isn't the only problem.
Sometimes conversation flows easily into deep soul chat and what I call 'under the table' stuff. The real honest stuff. Then I'm happy.
But sometimes it is obvious to me that the people I chat with don't do that raw talk so I babble shite, to fit in. I move away quicker now I know I'm ADHD and now I know why I am sometimes uncomfortable or exhausted (from acting). This type of chat is alien to me. The script. I can do it badly, guessing, but the urge for feral raw beautiful talk is big. So yes I'm masking but the problem is bigger.
Y'see, I feel like a pressure cooker. My issue is not just not really knowing how to be polite, in what order, or how to take turns. Yes, I mask, but the bigger issue is the exhaustion at holding off, stopping, muting and vetting, ADHD radioactive Jill.
The pressure to contain my awesomeness is exhausting 🤣. In my job, I communicate perfectly because I know my job and my role so am perfectly cool. And my job is a deep kind of job. In private with my type of person, the free-range open-minded, unjudgemental, self-aware people, I'm direct and to the point which looks blunt or rude but I'm not. I'm autistic (I am Adhd) and these people know about my big heart and good intent and benefit from me being fully me. I'm free then.
But squashing me hurts. I'm cool with it all now I know I am ADHD. I understand why some socialising is positive and why some are exhausting. It is liberating to have self-awareness. And to choose. Because I'm fussier now but also I'm prepared and acknowledge that sometimes the audience just really can't handle the full me.
I get confused and uncomfortable still, but now with no shame. Now I don't feel like an outsider because I know there are others just like me, feeling 'different', Masking, but not less than. And I appreciate and respect that some people do not do raw.
Accepting differences goes both ways.
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