Being on my Own

Originally posted 24th September 2023 on my NeuroDiversity University Facebook page.

I'm going to say something weird and I damn hope people resonate and I'm not left out here on my own.

In fact those last words say it all. Left out here on my own.

During my 53 years of living I've noticed I'm absolutely sh#te at being on my own. On my own with no choice.

Being on my own to rest is cool. Needed even.

Being on my own is cool when someone is around nearby but even then, I need people to tell me to move/do the thing.

But being on my own when everyone is at work/school is different.

Being on my own as a treat away, a big thing with a purpose, is cool.

But day to day. Nah.

It's like I don't exist. I'm paralysed.

I'm a Slug when I'm sat with nowt/nothing happening.

It's inertia. It's paralysis and it's not good for me.

The tools and strategies can work. I know the theories. I know what will help.

I've booked on line yoga. Yoga apps. Leisure Centre classes.

I take adhd meds and vitamins. I try to eat healthy.

But. Unless I'm forced/moved then I don't do those things.

It's hard to book stuff when I need flexibility to manage spoons. That balance is hard.

There's a lot of shame and pressure to be at one with yourself. To find self and be present.

years ago I was shamed because I couldn't be still. We didn't know I was Adhd. It makes sense now.

But now my physical being stays still and it's like I've lost step 1 and ALL instructions.

In front of me I see the thing I need and want to do. But I can't take that leap to it unless someone pushes me or makes me do it.

I don't know if I'm still recovering from a Winter/2022 burnout. But damn, being bored and still is not good for me.

I know stuff and the why but ultimately I only do stuff body doubled.

My work is body doubled. Yes, my Client is my body double.

All my best times are with someone. I'm happy around people. I'm body doubling.

I book loads so I am forced to be with people, I do this a lot. But there are gaps where I need rest AND people. The stuff I book is big stuff, but I need small bursts of people.

I think my calling is to be a Wise Old Woman of the Village that everyone comes to.

I think I was a Wise Old Woman from very young to be honest. I was definitely old before my time.

Yes I've f#cked up lots too. I'm not always wise.

To have understood myself more, younger, may have helped me f#ck up less. Although my diagnosis at 50 was life-saving. Younger me may have not appreciated knowing I'm Autistic and Adhd so it's an unknown.

Does anyone else feel like they only feel real or alive in company? And that body doubling is the only thing that works?

This is not about self esteem or self worth.

It's not about how others view me.

I just feel whole when in 'good' company.

To be clear, I am not ok if surrounded by Arseh#les. So just anyone won't do.

And I need Autonomy so I need my safe spaces to be mine. My home needs to be where I can rest.

But for living, I need community. I need parallel play. Is it maybe an Autistic thing that I am only me in relation to another?

It's not an Existential Crisis. This is not a health thing.

It would help to have a dog but f#ck me that'd be a huge demand and I do not like demands. And extra expense is not possible.

So I continue plodding on. Fired up and proactive when I have others around me. And slug like when there's no energy surge available.

Of course, I'm now singing 'I think I'm alone now'. Can't think of the singer. Tiffany maybe?

Off now to try to do something. Not sure how.

This feels a very rambled Blog post.

Pic description: inside of a Church, me, female with very short hair, in the centre, smiling looking up. I'm standing at a pulpit so only my torso upwards is seen. Blue jumper, arms up.