Giving up or changeable?

Originally posted on 1st May 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page.

I have spent my whole life being aware that I hop between hobbies, trying things, giving up, stopping.

The narrative over the years was that I am inconsistent and don't have that magic ingredient that makes me determined and hardy. I felt I was the opposite.

Growing up with introjects, external rules that left me feeling less than, was harmful.

I mean, why even try? I lost confidence in my ability to succeed at anything, negative self belief. My mental health wasn't poor. As I often say, I just thought I was a low rate human. Just a fact. That's my lot. I accepted that Label because it was my Truth.

My Graduation, age 48, was phenomenal because it was something I had stayed doing.

A few beautiful people, particularly 1 Tutor, was bouncy and vibrant and vulnerable and emotional and funny and different and to this day I don't think they know how they modelled being human.

I could do those human things so I believed maybe I could be a good enough Counsellor.

I never went on to complete the Research part because well, I'm human but I'm not properly clever like the others. So I became a Counsellor carrying a bucket load of Imposter Syndrome.

In 2020 my World rocked when I accidentally discovered I was Adhd. I hear folk say they don't agree with labels. Let me be clear. Being Adhd and understanding why so many easy things are hard for me was one of the best things to ever happen. It was better than feeling like a rubbish human.

I started to form my own Identity without the constraints and chains of NeuroTypicalism.

It was hard unlearning being NeuroTypical. I'm still unlearning.

It is easy for bystanders to say I never had to fit an NT identity. I'm pleased if you felt comfortable being a unique Individual. I'm jealous of that comfort I'd have done anything for.

My World was full of Cues and Socialisation whereby NT is the norm and honoured and held up as the Gold standard. I think in the UK it still is.

I've since discovered I'm also Autistic. I have many many Privileges (look up the Privilege and power wheel) and I've survived life so far. Not everyone has/did.

I reckon if we knew over time, what we know now, about Autism and Adhd, we'd discover that a lot of those that completed Suicide/Unlived, were undiagnosed and unknowingly Autistic and/or Adhd. Stats won't show that though.

So here I am surviving. And that's why I'm passionate about NeuroDivergence and trying to create safe Spaces for healing. I'm also no longer scared to try new things and yes, then give up or pause. Because trying new things and stopping, does not make me a flawed human. It makes me an Artist. A Dancer. A comedienne. A Trainer. A Seamstress. All sporadic Things I do.

Let's learn to Alive ourselves. Glow, grow*, discover, and Spread your Wings. Not 'spread your legs' as a Trainer accidently said instead of Stretch. Although do that too if you wish.

This week I've been an Acrylics Painter.

What would you like to be today?

*My Privileges and Therapy and Support have allowed me to Grow and Heal. Not everyone has that Privilege. Not everyone is as lucky.

Pic description: Large painting on canvas. Picture fills the image. Blue background. Painting of the back of a large body, head down. Body is sat down, left hand on knee, leant back. The body is Abstract colours of yellow blue and green. This picture is on another Blog post but this is the finished version.