Gluten Free Rolls.

When I describe myself as semi-speaking I'm never sure if the term is correct, and whether it's a form of Fawning, so let me give you an example.

This is both serious and there's some humour. And long.

I was having a few days to myself in nature, to relax and complete some on line training. In my van. I hadn't anticipated a British heat wave and because my interoception (ability to read my body) is a struggle it's not always easy for me to know when something isn't right with me. My 'not ok' can show as a very mild headache or brain fog. My self awareness in terms of my Interoception dial has a zero and a one, maybe a two. Then it has a nine and a 10. The numbers in between do not to exist. I've blogged about this before.

So I woke up yesterday morning and realised I maybe wasn't okay. I knew I needed to go home home and it was probably because of the heat but making the decision to come home, requires Exec Function usage. It required decision making. And ordering and planning. I needed to make a decision about when to leave, and whether to leave.

Many people who aren't ADHD maybe still don't understand the Executive Function struggle. It is like going round and round in a loop. I don't have any energy. I don't have any spoons. There's no Exit.

I needed to put my contact lenses in to be able to think straight. I can wear glasses but it's not the same. Putting my contact lenses in is a transition step for me.

I need to wash my hands first though. I also needed a drink and I needed my ADHD meds.

My meds were in the front of the van so I have to get out. Except I am only wearing a tiny sleep t-shirt. I didn't want to get out and get hot. The van was cooler/insulated but still hot. Outside was hotter.

Round and round my Brain cycled.

I also need to put some shorts on to get out but I want to freshen up with wipes first.

But I need my contacts.

Taking my Meds would help but I'm low on water. The water tap is a walk away in a field.

Round and round. I'm struggling more than I normally do.

I know my ADHD community understand this. Some of this can be avoided by planning ahead but planning ahead is a skill only reserved, sometimes, for Special Interests.

I needed to eat with my Meds. I don't have water for Porridge and I don't want to use heat.

It was 12 by the time I'd untangled myself from this pickle.

I had a 1.30 online peer meeting and had to find somewhere with good signal, and food. I'd not sorted food. I was sweaty and the van is getting hotter. I stopped at laybys to see if I could grab something from the van fridge. Nope. Nothing easy. I needed easy.

I don't know the area but I kept noticing somewhere I could eat, only once I'd driven past them. I didn't have the energy to turn around to come back. I did try one place except I could see it was heaving with people. I couldn't do people. It also had several different parking areas with lots of signage I couldn't comprehend. I was slowly realising I was properly dysregulated. I'm not somebody you would think gets dysregulated. My ADHD means I really love (my own) spontaneity. And it would not look obvious to anyone that I'm struggling. I also become more Autistic when I'm not ok. My sensory profile needs are greater. I feel everything more. I also feel everything more because Healing does that.

Healing has integrated my Body-Mind beautifully and given me self compassion and love.

I'm still Autistic though and always will be and if cognition isn't available because of dysregulation then I can't problem solve.

Dysregulation and Burnout aren't intrinsically bad. They are alerts that I'm not ok. We all need to know when we are not ok.

So I found somewhere that looked smaller, safer. A garden centre.

I needed privacy so I decided to have the on-line meeting in the van in the shaded car park.

I went in to get a take-away 'something' and a drink. I couldn't work out which door was to be opened, signage was overwhelming and this is when I get semi-speaking and cannot access logic.

I eventually found the small cafe but I couldn't see any signage on how or what to order.

I clunkily asked for a menu and I processed (badly) what I might want as I'm being more mindful about food choices.

My ability to read was compromised, as was my speaking and the poor young chap serving me was patient as I corrected my order changing my mind many times.

I was asked 'what bread'. That tipped me over the edge. I had to make a decision and articulate said decision.

I randomly said 'Gluten free'. It looked like a healthy word and stuck in my brain.

A debate was had about gluten free bread being only a 'roll/bap' option. Except that on the menu under the Sandwich option, it said Gluten free available. No mention of Gluten free under the roll/bap section.

My brain and words now woke up. They woke up when I needed to debate my irritation (irritation creates energy) about their menu being misleading. I was polite. To be clear, I do not medically need and do not even like Gluten free bread.

I apologised a million times, all the while articulating clearly as if I'm on Mastermind having developed a Special Interest in f'cking Gluten Free Bread and menu layouts. I got out of this new thought loop/cycle by agreeing to a Gluten Free roll I did not want.

Then I'm asked about Salad. I couldn't handle this new information. Salad is apparently on the side of the plate. But it's take-out order. I say I'll have it in the Roll. Except it's coleslaw too.

I'm back to semi-speaking again. I kind of managed to say no salad and no coleslaw because I had no alternative words. I bloody love Salad and coleslaw.

'What drink?' Cappuccino. Why did I say Cappuccino. It's 30° heat and I'm sweating. It was the easiest accessible, familiar, first word I saw.

As I'm waiting I noticed cakes. I ordered the only Gluten Free option. It wasn't an active wish or choice, it was just part of this dysregulated Gluten-free Autistic Script and Persona I didn't even know I had.

At this point I can't figure if I'm really really clever with this alter Ego version of Me available at short notice, or whether I'm just trying to survive and get out alive by saying any old sh#te that pops into my head.

I now discover it's 2 rolls 'because they are only small'. So not only did I not want very bready bread (I find rolls too bready) but now I have 2 of the F#ckers. Inside my head, I'm laughing at the absurdity of this situation I've created. I am genuinely finding myself funny because humour is a buzz for Me.

As my rolls arrive, I'm asked if I want a bag. Of course I say no. I wanted a bag but I had to say no. No is an easy word.

My ADHD was feeling hot, dysregulated, bored and Ferocious. I just need to leave quick.

The server said 'you sure?'. Nope. Definitely no bag even though I know I'll need one.

So I'm juggling my purse, van keys, 2 f#cking Gluten Free wrapped rolls, a wrapped Gluten Free Brownie and a hot Cappuccino.

I had to ask how to get out because I couldn't process the exit signage. They point to a door, then another door and they watch me use my elbow on handles, precariously nudging open said doors, all the while me pretending I'm absolutely fine without a f#cking bag.

I managed to open the van, settle in my seat and join the 1.30 (safe) peer group meeting.

I proceeded to eat just the f@cking filling of the 2 f@cking Gluten Free rolls because of bready bread. For clarity I like stimmy crunchy bread and wished I'd asked for a Panini.

So that's what dysregulated semi-speaking Me looks like. I can't access my truth when I'm not ok. I can't say what I really want to say and I end up just blurting out the first random thing that pops into my head or that I see.

This situation wasn't harmful so I can compassionately laugh at myself. I was safe.

However when I am like this, I AM vulnerable.

No one would know or believe anything is wrong (except my nearest and dearest who can read me well). Ironically I can read others well. Just not myself.

I am vulnerable to being taken advantage of, to being laughed at and mocked by people. And to being misunderstood. All the while I do not appear vulnerable. I will not have access to safety and I will not look like I need help. It's an icky mix.

I hope it resonates with somebody. I blame the heat. I'm really hating this f@cking heat.

Jill

Pic description: a map screenshot showing an area I was staying at, mostly green, with a blue dot highlighting exactly where I was.