Grief. My Autistic Grief.

Originally posted on 2nd June 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page.

Content warning. Baby loss.

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This is my personal account. I am 1 Autistic person. 29 years ago I was 22 weeks pregnant with my second Son.

The night before I'd gone into labour and I knew my baby was too little to survive. Medical equipment wasn't small enough to cope back in '95.

I was 24. I didn't know I was Autistic and Adhd. I was understandably blank, pragmatic and obviously, thankfully, in shock.

I remember praying to an unknown God (whoever watches out for us) asking that if my Son was not going to survive, then I'd prefer him to stop living whilst still inside and part of me, instead of him being delivered alive and then dying.

I remember knowing that was for Me and for Him too. And it was just simply logical.

I remember asking to watch the monitor so I would know when he lost his heartbeat. And I watched it stop. I then delivered him already knowing what the outcome was and I was very calm because I had the data and facts.

I got 2 weeks sick leave from work. I remember not really knowing what I was meant to do in that 2 weeks. I wasn't ill.

I cried when I remembered what had happened but this was kind-of a 2nd hand expression as if seeing my experience through others' eyes. I cried for what I knew they saw about me and what had happened to me.

I was already a Mother at that time. I was a Mother before that day and I was still a Mother afterwards. So this experience didn't change that. I remember not grieving as I expected I would. I remember knowing others experienced grief in my situation but I didn't and I always wondered why.

Even in Counselling Training in 1997 and again 2005, I talked about my experience but I didn't feel a huge sense of grief.

My partner today checked in on me, knowing today is an anniversary. And it's the first time I'm really seeing it through an Autistic lens. For me, it's hard to be sad over something that didn't 'exist'. I don't need people telling me it was a loss of what could have been. Or a loss of him growing up. I trained in Bereavement Counselling and I absolutely support those as possibilities for some people. Just not Me.

I'm sharing this today as a snapshot into 1 Autistic person's experience, and that is that I personally have not deeply grieved his loss because I don't know who 'he' would have been. I only experienced him as an actual Being for the few hours I held him. When he was in my tummy, he didn't have a separate identity. He was physically joined as an extension of me. So for me, I didn't know 'him'.

I'm not discounting someone experiencing this differently to me. I'm absolutely not.

I remember that after delivery, I did want my Mum to meet him. I wanted her to have an opportunity to meet her Grandson. And she did. I asked for that. I asked because I knew this was her only chance to meet him. It made sense to offer her that because there wouldn't be another chance. That was a logical decision about timing and opportunity.

The Midwife present bawled her eyes out. I remember her saying she'd had a miscarriage not long before and I felt so very connected to her, grateful she could share her tears with me. My heart hurt for her and it felt like a sad but beautiful connection. It felt like a gift to share her pain. I'm hyper empathic and there's something 'other worldly' about connecting with people's hearts.

I do not however have this gaping hole in my life about this loss of mine. I don't have any emotional pain because for Me, I didn't know him. I didn't know his personality nor his story.

Because he didn't have one that I knew of. And that sounds cold. But from my personal Autistic lens, it is my Truth. It is a fact to me.

And I'm sharing this because this could be seen as a lack of feelings and a lack of heart.

Trust me. My feelings can indeed be humongous. Too big.

I'm a Therapist. I'm very Therapised. I don't believe anything about this is dark or hidden from Me. It just is. I can get tearful retelling my story. But if I'm honest, that's when my head imagines my story as a story and I can attach a sense of 'this is awful and big'. Like watching a film. I process feelings this way a lot. I'm hyperphantasic and 'seeing' what happens to me is how I manage emotions.

So this sharing is Me just reminding folk to support others with their feelings in the way they are presented and not from some Bullsh#t narrative about how someone is meant to feel. That includes someone displaying feelings that you think are 'too big'. Boy I've been judged for my too big feelings. So no judging people on how they feel please.

Everyone's story and experience is unique to them and no one has the right to say what is the 'proper' way of feeling or being. Just listen and ask. It's that easy.

Someone may read how I've experienced this and resonate.

This is why I believe it's good to share different experiences. To help each Other not judge.

Ps The exception to not judging is if someone is being a c#nt. It's ok to judge that.

Swear word courtesy of Brightfire CIC. (Brigid likes a nice swear word)

Pss. You may not know what to say in response to this post. That's ok. You don't have to respond. No one does. Grief and Loss and No-loss is a weird subject for Most folk.

Pic description: phone screen showing today's date in the middle of the time, with a yellow/cream sandy background.