Imposter Syndrome

Originally posted September 2023 on my NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page

I know I have spoken many times (IRL) about Imposter Syndrome and would have put on a huge wager that I've written in depth about it, here.

I've just searched and nope, I haven't.

So here are my latest thoughts about this phenomenon called Imposter Syndrome and what I think it is.

Ps I've shared my blog on a Page for Autistic Researchers and feel a bit of an Imposter because I waffle and swear a lot 🤣 and I'm not a Researcher but I love research about Autism. So I'm there.

Anyhoodle, here goes.

Firstly, I need to explain that for me, Imposter Syndrome has been a huge, gloomy, sick, fearful feeling in the pit of my stomach. So big and yuk that my Psyche blocks me even trying things because it does not want me to even get near that huge mammoth feeling.

So ironically I never felt it often because I lived an avoidant risk free life.

But every so often I'd get a whiff or hint of it and that was enough to keep me in my place, nice and boring and safe from harm.

But safe from feeling vibrant too. That was the cost.

But what is it? What is Imposter Syndrome?

For me:

Imposter Syndrome is a Trauma reaction to never having known my Self. I was Audhd and never knew.

Very young Me made a subconscious choice to hide my Autism and Adhd because being such, being Me, would have been too much for the World (as perceived by my young nervous system).

So I Masked. From very Young. Subconsciously. I never knew. It wasn't a conscious choice.

So by Masking I was in fact an actual Imposter because I was not me. I was a version of Me I created. That led to me never having a secure base. I could not feel secure. I had no attachment to Me.

(Has anyone written about Attachment Theory from a perspective of Masking/Detachment from Self?).

Masked, I couldn't trust anything about me because when Masking and with a history of Masking, I literally was not Me. I was a version I created.

So the self doubt and nervousness was quiet, but there, shaky and it would jump out randomly. I'd have no idea why.

Now I know I am Autistic and ADHD and through community healing and belonging, I've slowly returned to Me, to authenticity.

And I Mask less.

This re-attaching happened in safe relationships plus with the autonomy I have as a grown up. It's a mix of diagnosis, autonomy, healing, and belonging.

I am still wobbly nowadays. Imposter Syndrome and Self Doubt still pops up. I have Imposter Syndrome when I write a new Blog Post.

But that's because this new Me is, this Audhd Me, is err, new.

This new Me is young to me. And I put myself out there more.

Nowadays, self doubt and wobbliness feels less scary overall, as there is an internal belief that the newness will grow and gain confidence, it's a compassionate, healthy, hopeful growth instead of the old crippling stuck self doubt yuk.

This whole concept of Imposter Syndrome, for me, is also linked to the environment around me and whether my new Authentic Autistic self is safe or perceived as safe.

Now, when my Imposter feeling comes up, I am able to sense whether the issue is an alert that the environment may not be safe, or someone around me isn't a safe person for me, whether I have an echo of old Trauma or, finally, whether the self doubt is a sign I'm shit at something and is warranted. It happens occasionally  🤣

Joking because I'm ditsy and daft yet am often right and joke that I'm always right because feeling good is such a new feeling and humour diverts me away from the weird discomfort of self-praise.

So. That's my take on Imposter Syndrome.

Trauma from Doubting Self.

Harm from being in/around in-authentic places/people.

And consequence of Masking.

Just my experience remember.

Pic description: field full of people* attempting yoga, green grass, bright sky. Why this pic? Because nowadays, as a consequence of Healing, I give less f#cks about doing things because for most stuff, there is not a right or wrong way, just my way and that is f#cking Freedom and liberating.

* Friend's Wellbeing Retreat Day. Was lush https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100094201305165