Invisible Aftermath

I've had to spend a few days in Masking mode. I had to.

Others' needs were more important than mine. I did too much. I'm feeling the after effects right now.

I'm struggling but I'll be ok. It's just what happens after Masking and ignoring Self, but I'll bounce.

Today is damage limitation and thankfully I can recover without demands.

Many don't have that privilege.

I'm going to give more detail because I know it can be helpful for others.

I'm what would be called 'high functioning' Autistic/Adhd. If that term was correct and used.

But it needs to not be used and this is why.

The term high functioning is misleading because it implies we are 'mild'.

In some ways I do indeed mostly function well but that's because I have adjustments, I am clever, have support, and privilege that allows me to be self employed and manage spoons.

If you have learning disabilities and other co-occurring stuff, then yes it's even harder potentially. I utterly acknowledge that some have physical pain and sensory responses that are worse.

But don't f'cking call me mild. And don't judge me solely based on a good day.

My supports come at a cost (I don't work at full capacity ever, I take a week off every 4 ish weeks).

Sounds great huh but it costs me financially,

I'm not partying or holidaying when I have time off, I'm recovering spoons and working hard at removing sensory overwhelm whilst also attempting to be selfish putting myself first to 'rest'.

That's hard when your struggles are mostly invisible.

Rest isn't me at a spa.

Rest is me battling under-stimulation (hyper brain), ignoring chores, ignoring other things on my to-do list, and forcing myself to not do fun things I'd really like to be doing but have no spoons for.

Under-stimulation is as harmful as overstimulation.

Some folk/society may think Maskers are 'fine' because they CAN Mask.

Don't get me wrong. Masking can itself be a lifesaver and an advantage.

Some may think we create drama for no reason, or that we create or overexaggerate our fatigue or struggle.

Overwhelm makes my tinnitus scream, and all my sensory 'mild' struggles bigger.

We are often told that we coped with 'x' before so why not today.

It baffles some.

Our struggles aren't always believed because we are spikey (our tolerances alter).

So we can be gaslit easily and can gaslight ourselves.

Most of my clients gaslight/invalidate themselves which is a huge part of my work with them. Validating them over and over is needed.

So please excuse me when today I can't hear you.

When I can't perform.

When I can't tolerate anything.

When I can't explain myself.

When I can't be kind.

When I can't be present.

When I can't regulate myself.

When I can't feel positive.

And don't you f%cking invalidate me, or judge me, or think I'm being flaky.

Get into my head and body and then decide.

But until then, just understand and believe.

That's all we need. It's really that simple.

Picture of Pink Magnolias (flowers), blue sky background and fluffy white clouds (birds were tweeting at the time of taking the photo