Medication

Originally posted 22nd July 2023 on my NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page

Long one. Be warned

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I take Adhd meds. A very low dose of speed.

I only had meds for today and tomorrow. My plan was to collect a script Monday which should be ready then.

I'm helping renovate my van and remembered I'd not taken meds this morning. Oh how I forget things so much. So off I trotted, took them, gulped them down, and wondered why there were no meds left in the bottle. And then I remembered I had already taken them.

So I'm now feeling weird. And have none for tomorrow. Welcome to my World.

Not much to moan about really but when you add up the very many little hiccups in being Adhd, you can see how we doubt ourself, question our ability and sanity, and generally feel like a failed NeuroTypical.

Knowing I am Adhd helps. Having my Meds helps. They help me use the strategies enough to feel fully functioning and brave the World with my glorious self. I take my place and be who I was always meant to be.

Meds are just a part of my recovery and (mostly) UnMasking. But they do help. They help Me. They don't help everyone. They are not for everyone.

They are not a simple fix. And they were never meant to make me NeuroTypical.

Mostly they still just help me cope with a NeuroTypical World that for now, I have to be part of.

My Dream is and will always be, to have a fully inclusive world where all differences and needs are respected, supported and encouraged, automatically and without any sense of comparison.

But for now, I choose Meds. So that I can do the stuff needed to scream and whisper to the World about Adhd/Autistic experiences. To show Others less fortunate than me, that there is some safe spaces where we care and love them and help heal.

Back to Meds.

Meds are not talked about enough.

This is where I say clearly that my experience is just my experience. I am not qualified to advise about Meds and I never would.

And. I want to let you know that taking Meds should come with huge conversations from inside the Autistic and Adhd Community. To learn how it feels and what you might expect and to truly understand why you want them.

I take them from a place of Self Love. Not Self Hate. I love my non medicated Self.

I am not covering up nor removing my Adhd. I do not wish it away.

My experience of Meds is that I become an Adhd version of my Self that is a bit calmer and can navigate my Emotions and Exec Functioning (planning, order and prioritising) a bit easier. I do it for Me. I'm still Adhd.

My Psychiatrist is Adhd. I love that he is. That moment I was told I was Adhd (age 50) by a person I respected, was overwhelming AND life changing in a good way. It mattered that he is Adhd. I felt safe.

It also meant, many months later, that I could talk to him about Meds knowing he genuinely understood. He knew. He knew how I felt. We talked about Meds. In detail. We tried different types.

He has retired but he would be my Desert Island Dinner Guest. I'd give him the biggest hugest hug.

Back to Meds.

Too much of a dose and I am super organised and focussed. But. It comes at a cost.

Forcing our brains to work against the natural flow, with Meds, costs.

It's like swimming against the tide (if you can swim). Yes you can do the thing, but it is exhausting. The crash after is big. The energy (spoons) used on boring stuff is big.

And people need to know this.

Also, whilst energy is being used to organise and focus (on boring things which is our difficulty), I believe attention is taken away from the parts of you that are maybe some of the best bits.

The creativity, vibrance, flow and curiosity.

Meds do take away the bits that can sometimes get us in trouble and annoy others. Those bits can be difficult.

But I don't want to lose those good bits.

So my Meds just take an edge off the tough bits and support me to do some boring bits.

My meds also allow me to catch my (huge) emotions as they spread. Slowing them down a teeny bit, but enough, for me to (mostly) use strategies that can help.

You see, my emotions and ferral attention do not have the standard, NeuroTypical pause button.

There is no 'half way' emotion for me. I cannot see the emotions coming and I cannot therefore use the regulation stuff and strategies because by the time I am aware, it is too late.

At that point I AM the emotion. The emotion is Me. We are one.

My low dose Med gives me that tiny pause. Not to stop the emotion, but to take cover and prepare. Mostly.

I do think even without Meds, but with compassion, community and PsychoEducation, we can manage NeuroTypical life better.

I also think holistic stuff helps in preventing tough stuff. But the holistic stuff often requires planning, organising and prioritising.

So for now, my Meds are an autonomous, welcome part of my life that allow me to navigate Neuronormative stuff so I get to support others.

Meds are my choice but I am very informed.

Get informed by Neurodivergent Professionals* and make up your own mind what is best for you.

*yes, Specialist Professionals who are Adhd themselves.

being Adhd does not automatically make them safe. Just like NT folk can be arsholes, ADHD folk can be ars*holes too.

Pic: my van taking shape, inside of the back, bright patterned cushions stacked up on a wood bed base. Metal ceiling showing behind in left hand corner.