Melting away.

Jill Holly
Apr 28
3 min read

A peer discussed Meltdowns in a private group. My words flowed out in response, and you get to witness them here if you so wish.

Obviously I only share my words, not Others, never without consent.

So.

I have Meltdowns. Big announcement. Not news to my nearest and dearest.

In places of unsafety I mostly ask. Then collapse when safe. If it happens in safe places, it comes out raw, unpretty, angry. I feel insecure, ridiculous, I cry and it comes out in tears and snot.

Safe people know to support me and nurture me. Slowly I come out of it and feel sane again and feel better with such gratitude and love for those who helped me.

I have old Interpersonal Trauma and Invalidation Trauma and Compliance Trauma. So the Psychology of Meltdowns and the unmet needs behind them, is BIG.

A meltdown faced in safety, is cathartic and healing and a release. I don't know that during it of course. During it the world is ending and my reality is distorted (although there's always truth in my distortion). But afterwards, it feels like a gift, I kid you not.

I've said before, that for 54 years, I've been masking, stealing spoons from the future, doing so to survive.

The Mask kept me alive but exhausted my future (now) self. So part of my healing is to feel and to process whatever happens now (distress, emotional pain, physical pain).

I have 54 years of catch up too. 54 years of suppressed harm to let out.

That's alot.

In some ways, my Meltdowns are bigger now. And as a historical (and still sometimes now) Fawner, it is growth to be able to process and express distress.

I think and feel big. That's my brain type.

I joke by saying that you can't be this awesome without thinking and feeling Big. It's half a joke because sometimes I really am awesome. So many of my Adhd/Autistic community are f&cking awesome.

But to the outside world, Meltdowns looks messy and unhealthy and the opposite of growth.

As I heal, I start to feel, and as I start to feel, I fully experience pain. Mind and body (and soul) working together IS painful. And beautiful.

This is what being fully functioning and evolved looks like. Yes, as Therapist, as an Adhd and Autistic Therapist this IS evolved.

And it needs normalising.

That's the irony. We are more normal than the normalised society think they are.

Of course, if expressing and processing and externalising our distress was the norm, the icky people in power would find it less easy to control and ignore us.

Now that's for another big topic!

Maybe we need Meltdown badges.

Meltdown Queen. Do not push/prod unless you are capable of handling the explosion of awesomeness and truth that follows.

I again half joke because whilst I declare Meltdowns healthy, they are indeed F*cking painful.

We do need a major shift in how we see them though.

Hugs my friends. Hugs to the writer of post that inspired my words here.