Mistakes

Originally posted 27th August 2023 on my NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page

I make mistakes a lot.

Timing. Forgetting stuff. Misunderstanding stuff. Rushing.

Before knowing I was ADHD and Autistic, I made all these mistakes, and did everything I could to get things right.

I wasn't anxious. There wasn't anything to be anxious about. I was just wrong.

And I had to get stuff right.

That's a pretty sh#t constant state to have been in for a very long time (50+ years).

To be clear, I also have been happy. I just had this constant niggle that I was a problem, a problem I must resolve and because I'm a good problem solver and am persistent, I relentlessly tried to find ways to stop the f#ck ups.

By the way, being a persistent problem solver can be a good thing in the right circumstance. It's not a good thing when the unjustified perceived problem is unsolvable.

I had an unsolvable problem because, Err, Autism and ADHD isn't something to be solved.

There is no cure because we are not a disease, nor a disorder and not a f#cking deficit.

But I didn't even know I was Autistic and ADHD.

I am not great at letting solvable (and unsolvable) things go, so my brain whirls round and round unable to move on.

Do you know how much Energy I spent trying not to f#ck up and trying to figure an answer? Lots. Lots and Lots.

Imagine going round and round on a roundabout unable to get off. Trying to figure how to get off. For 50 years.

Now I know I'm ADHD and Autistic, I still make all the mistakes, but I know I am not a problem, I am not wrong.

I now create a life whereby I manage the inevitable mistakes. It's called Radical Acceptance. I radically accept that I am ADHD and Autistic.

My labels do not smother me with bad vibes. They do not define me. They are not a burden to carry. Getting my labels* meant I could get off the f#cking roundabout, and use all that wasted energy on better things. Better things like starting to become more Me.

And that is Pure Gold. That's f#cking freedom.

It's also confusing but that titbit of detail is for another post.

(Swearing because for me, self awareness is something I am passionate about and for me, swearing is a form of expression and a Glimmer**).

* not everyone benefits from a label whether diagnosed formally or self diagnosis. For some it is restricting and unsafe. I'm all for self-diagnosis. I'm also pro-choice because for some, a Label is not wanted nor relevant. My way is not everyone's way.

** look up Glimmers.

Pic description: a road with cars either side, brick and stone buildings, me on the road, white cis woman, larger body, jeans, flowery top, short blonde hair, rear view of me and my lovely ar#e, riding my bike, grey skies above.