Moaning and Processing, well done!

I want to remind folk that having our loved ones moaning and off-loading, is good for them, even if no fun for us listening.

We all need to learn what's happening within us, to know how we communicate, to learn how we identify what we need and to know how we process our thoughts and stuff.

Processing can be done internally and externally depending on what kind of processor you are.

I'm an External Processor. This means i can't understand myself until I get it out, often in a mess. Once out, I unravel it and make sense real time. What I say at the start may not make sense.

Internal Processors do the opposite. It is made sense of inside someone's head and it comes out 'finished'.

For me, someone's silence whilst they process, is weird. For an Internal Processor, my changing, muddled, many, words, are hard to track/keep up with/digest.

None of this is good nor bad, it just is.

Understanding each others' ways is important because unless we also know how others process, we will assume they process the same as us and understand them through my own perspective.

And that's where things go wrong.

Everyone processes differently.

And I have got it very wrong in the past. Lots.

I like to look after people but I need to make sure I don't protect and rescue others automatically. It's something I have to monitor.

Because my need to protect is about me. It's my need. It's actually not about them.

It's why we need to understand everything about ourselves. Everything: our communication style, our Love Language, how we identify what we need aswell as knowing our Processing Style.

We need to understand everything about the people we engage with too. Their communication style, their Love Language, their needs, their Processing Style.

And that's why I'm considering writing a presentation or Ebook about Communication because it is nearly always the biggest block that comes up in therapy.

It is very often not the thing that people think they are going to bring to therapy but ends up being an important factor.

I tend to ask:

Is everyone listening well?

Are people approachable?

Is anyone trying to fix or squash?

Does everyone have autonomy/choice?

Are needs being met?

When one person is dysregulated, the other person (the listener/helper) often tries to fix and solve things.

I'm sure it's out of love and care, however it can also be that the listener feels vicarious discomfort and they themselves then get overwhelmed/dysregulated and want to rescue.

Now you have 2 dysregulated people. Except the helper may not realise what's happening.

Obviously in an emergency we want big energy to get us out, but in non emergency situations, listening is the biggest help and starting point.

To just listen sounds easy doesn't it.

It is not.

To just listen sounds simple.

It is not.

To listen is a very hard job and can be uncomfortable.

Done badly, it isolates.

Done well, it's amazing.

To have someone listen is beautiful and a precious thing.

Often, we can understandably worry about the person offloading their woes. We may assume them offloading is a sign they can't cope.

Having someone offload does not automatically mean they have poor mental health.

It may be them processing.

Processing is healthy and good, even if what they are telling you isn't nice, the fact they are continuing to connect with you is good.

It means you are approachable.

It means they trust you.

It means you've given them space and that they feel able to share with you.

And that's fantastic because stuck trauma and stuck processing can cause physical and emotional poor health and if they are talking to you they are less likely to get stuck.

Not processing is the problem.

Being able to process, in whatever way is needed and when needed, is healthy.

Knowing that we have a place to process, is really really helpful.

Timing is important, because we can't always process real time but as long as we can

Process at some point, it's good.

For some, processing is a physical release. Moving, writing, the act of sharing with another.

Mine is to talk and also to move my body. But mainly to talk.

Do you know how you process and how you communicate?

Do you know how the people around you do this?

Please know. Please find out.

(Blog originally published on 27th November 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog)

Pic description: view from my office chair. Computer laptop in the middle. Laptop is black showing a green/blue grass/lake scenery picture. 2nd black Screen, turned off, to the left. Circle Light on the right, in the background is my pale wood timber walls with shelving and lots of boxes and resources.