My Pda is tired of trying.

Originally posted on 28 April 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page.

I just had an exchange with a Friend, a Page owner in my very wonderful and safe network of Friends. They know I want to start a project and recommended I read the new book from Laura Hellfeld Neurodivergent Nurse Consulting and Autistically Scott.

I explained that I've tried many ways to read books and I kind of rejected my Friend's assurance that it is a really accessible book. I then sat, and realised I really wanted to access the book, and sent my Friend this message.

The text message.

"I hope I wasn't abrupt to your encouragement of the book being more accessible.

I sometimes notice my PDA is tired and fed up of so many life barriers for us ND folk.

Ironically when someone suggests something to support me, my PDA makes me resist and I shut down, worn out from trying.

A lifetime's trying.

But then. With safe people (you) it listens in the background and with a soft comforting delay, comes up to listen, grateful.

Thank you. I've ordered the Book ."

End text message.

I hope it gives some insight into PDA, Pathological Demand Avoidance, Demand Avoidance, Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, whatever you call it.

My PDA tries to keep me safe. It stands up for me and helps me manage life by rejecting this offer of help because there has been so many demands and suggestions in the past that are Ableist and unreasonable and harmful.

I was a Masker, a conformist. At a cost. To my health and Identity, ignoring my needs.

And so now it sometimes shuts down offers of help, zoning out to protect me from harm.

Except this Friend is safe. And I was able to recognise what happened in me, and instead it gave me an opportunity to reflect and process old pain.

My PDA does also trip me up. Not as much as it does for many others, but it does*.

But in safe spaces (the irony, this is the title of the book) I can explain myself and learn and grow.

Thank you dear Friend. And I look forward to getting the book.

*PDA for some is much more tricky and a struggle.

I am not every Autistic/Adhd Person. This is just my account. My Sensory profile doesn't cause me as much pain as it does for some. It still impacts big though.

Link for book recommendations on this page NT in a ND World.

Pic description: a book titled Creating Autistic Spaces, purple and green graphics