People and Shame and Acceptance

I have always been embarrassed about struggling to do boring stuff, or just stuff.

I hid it and I had a million tricks, but the embarrassment was always there curdling away, sour. I had such shame about being Me. And shame took energy away from Me.

I had such shame about needing body doubling and tricks for everything.

I'm a 54 year old bl##dy Counsellor so you'd think I'd have this sorted.

Once I found my community and realised this was a common problem and linked to my need for dopamine (i.e. people are my dopamine, I'm fascinated by people hence my job) I was able to have self compassion.

This only happened when I knew I was Adhd then Autistic.

That's why knowing I was Adhd and Autistic really really helped me.

I understood Me and I found people who were also Adhd and Autistic.

Once I knew, I thought I'd be able to find ways to not be like this. Thank you Pathologising Society we live in (I'm being sarcastic).

Well that's never going to work. And it used energy.

Then I grieved (grieving that my life was/is not easy). That took energy.

Then the shame softened and eased. Slowly. In community. With community. With knowledge.

Yes I still get paralysed, but now there's no/less shame.

So that energy that was used up with all the hiding and shame, is now freed up and used to find proper strategies and compassionate people to body double with.

(Insert here that the process of discovery and a life of shame, takes it's toll and I feel I've had a couple of years of burnout/recovery following diagnosis).

I'm always going to need people to double up with and body double with because I will always be Adhd and Autistic.

Always. And Forever.

And what is wrong with that?

Like seriously, why is that bad or wrong or weak?

Heck I'm really helpful to people and I love being helpful, so why is it wrong for people to mutually help each and actually that's just called community and humanity and people make the World go round and life is about people isn't it?

Big breath cos that was a long sentence.

There are people that gain energy by helping after all.

So my paralysis is not really the problem. It's still here, it's not going anywhere.

Shame was in fact the problem.

Shame is a soul zapper.

And when it lifts, it's a beautiful thing to just be and not be covered, plastered, squashed, in shame.

And yes, I'm typing on here avoiding doing what I should be doing and that's ok .

Hugs all.

(Blog Originally published 9th November 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook Page).

Pic description. Close up of my very full hoover. Hoover is Red. Grey wires showing. You can see an upturned grey Rug and a pink pouffe behind.

I'm meant to be hoovering.