Power over Self

Originally posted 28th August 2023 on my NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page

I delayed finishing my Counselling and PsychoTherapy Training by almost 20 years.

Why? Because I thought I wasn't good enough. I thought I had to be super intelligent to be a Counsellor.

Somehow, I never realised that Counselling, ultimately, is about love and connection. Appropriate boundaried love. But love all the same. It was never about being academic or clever.

As a youngster, I'd flunked at school even though I had potential. That set me up to place my worth in others' hands, outside of Me.

So I looked at others, to know if I could be a Counsellor. I compared me, to others.

I believed that those with power and good grades were better than me and because of this, I continued to look outside of me for answers and clarity of the rules about absolutely everything and anything.

As someone who was Autistic but unaware, who needed to know what the rules were, I searched and scanned outside of me, Forever trying to understand why I found life so difficult.

And that's a headf#ck.

I believed we must follow rules.

I believed the rules were out there.

What were the rules I searched for?

How I look.

What I should eat.

How I should parent.

How to be a good partner.

How to be a good person.

How to be a good friend.

What is 'good enough' for anything, basically because I felt powerless.

I missed the script that said we have power and answers and truth and love inside of us.

I had always been scared of anyone I perceived who held power, whether that was:

Real power over me,

or they just believed they had power over me,

or if they asserted their power over me.

I hold Trauma from feeling powerless.

Trauma is not only about big awful life events. Trauma is linked to our nervous system and feeling like you have no power, is, in my opinion, traumatic.

Understanding I am Autistic and ADHD gave me my power. Power to be Me.

To be clear, I do not need to have power over others, I now just need to hold my own power.

So many Autistics and ADHDers (and others but I always speak with my personal lived experience) are disempowered, Labelled as less than or disrespected. No wonder my NeuroDivergent Community need so much Counselling and have so many health needs.

They are directly and indirectly taught they do not deserve nor have any power and this is harmful.

Anything that disempowers us is harmful.

I studied and trained and earned my Degree to get me here, but ultimately I am just a human being with kindness and love, who respects others and I hold no power over you.

I hold no superiority. Even in my Therapy room. I guide and have Governing Membership Rules I believe in (Ethics and Boundaries). But I hold no power in the relationship. And I have to convey and model that.

Ultimately, when I am being a Therapist, one of my aims (yes I have aims even as The Therapist) is to share the power in the room.

We collaborate.

I suggest stuff.

You can reject stuff.

You decide your goals.

Therapy can be scary because you choose to be vulnerable.

Therapy can be scary because you are being brave opening up to another human.

Therapy can be scary because we sometimes feel worse before we feel better.

You should not however feel scared OF your Therapist.

You should not be be scared of any Professional or any person.

You should feel free to give feedback and question us and challenge us too because we are equal. All of us.

You deserve equality. You deserve not to feel less than.

Everyone deserves to feel the trickle and shimmer and joy and bounce that comes from holding their own power.

If you are not safe, if you do not feel you have power, then I hope at some point soon, you do.

I also acknowledge that for many, it is not an option to claim power in their lives right now.

Privilege plays out with power and I want you to know that I understand that. With all my heart, I promise I understand if you cannot do what you really want to do.

By the way, I had no idea what I was writing about when I started this post. It spring boarded off me as I watched someone claim their autonomy over a very small thing and it made me glow.

And whilst on the subject of Power of Self, for the purpose of transparency I need to tell you I have spent an hour typing this post instead of getting breakfast on. I had googled breakfasts, that led to me setting up an on-line shop delivery, the delivery slot of which expired because I was distracted by this post, so the order was abandoned, and my battery is about to go dead.

I have Autonomy over the important things but less so over the day to day stuff.

Pic description: screenshot of a yummy snack I googled before being distracted, sliced peaches on cheese, on toast, with pistachios crumbled on top. And honey drizzled over.