Privilege and being ill. And Audhd.

Original blog published 31st October 2024

I'm writing this whilst sat on the sofa. I was proper ill yesterday. Nausea and aches. Taking the day off was not a choice. I was not able to function.

I'm the Boss. I'm self employed. Time off costs me, but just as important, possibly more so, is that I have to cancel clients.

I'm a Counsellor. All my clients are Adhd/Autistic. Many don't like change, don't like things changing. I personally don't like change that I haven't chosen.

This is why I have it written in my contract, that I get unwell, and have to manage my energy. So that clients can decide if my health compromises their therapy. They have autonomy to say that no, I'm not the right Counsellor for them. I'd support them in making that decision.

Historically, when employed, I would battle through illness, still working, or if I had to be off, I'd catch up on the work.

Imposter Syndrome played out. I had that heavy fear that people would think I was faking, or not committed to my work.

I was always highly valued and appreciated because I was good at my job. And I was indeed very good at my job.

Of course employers valued me. I was hyper-focussed and worked damn hard. I was an asset, working psychologically hard and physically hard. I was hypervigilant and aiming for perfect.

I get asked if I've ever had anxiety.

I've always said no. And it's true.

The reason I was never anxious was because I was super in control, working super hard, super supportive, super helpful.

And that, my Lovelies, is hyper-independence.

Independence is good yes?

No. Independence is like that other annoying word, Resilience.

Independence and Resilience is great when you have all your basic needs met. Basic needs are safety, health, love, housing and community.

But Resilience and Independence are not ok when you are scared, fearful, isolated or traumatised.

So no. I didn't have anxiety my whole life.

What I had was Resilience and Independence in the form of Masking. I Masked as a high performing circus animal, getting it right and entertaining a full crowd.

And it has cost me my health.

I penned a phrase a while ago, related to Spoon Theory. I said 'I used up spoons from my future'.

Newly diagnosed folk wonder why they seem to decline once they realise they are Adhd/Autistic. Trauma Geek - Trauma and Neurodiversity Education writes about this and I'd describe it as claiming back Spoon Deficit.

I'm learning how to get my needs met and not everyone likes it when someone else puts themselves first.

We should be supporting each other to look after themselves. Now that's where anxiety can explode for some of us.

To put ourselves first, to set boundaries and to say No, sounds simple. It f#cking isn't.

Parenting programmes tell us to set boundaries (heck I used to deliver them).

What we need to do is teach each other to look after ourselves and being kind to ourselves.

This leads me to the point of this post.

I have privilege nowadays. I am Self Employed, I am the Boss. There is no Boss for me to fear.

Yesterday wasn't a choice. But today was questionable so I took the day off because my health takes a bashing when I get ill (autoimmune delicacies).

Wise Old Me knows that if I don't rest now, then I'll be more ill moving forward. It'll catch me up.

I have to play the long game nowadays.

But what if you can't take a day off. What if you can't Self Care. What if you've never been taught this?

This is why I blog.

I blog to share real life, but also to tell those folk who find it too anxiety provoking to put in boundaries, to anxiety provoking to say no, too poor to stop, too needed to rest, to tell you that I understand. I truly do.

I laugh now at the idea of me believing that I never had anxiety.

No I didn't. And I'm grateful.

But my alternative, was Masking. And that f#cker is damaging in a different way.

My Masking meant that the Real Me was hidden and squashed. Invisible. It was compartmentalised deep inside my ignored, also invisible, body.

Hugs for your Invisible and not so Invisible, anxiety, Masking and for the Real You that you may not even know yet.

Pic description: a lake, a dark evening picture. Bottom half is the lake, still but glimmering, above it is bluey grey sky, white clouds with late evening strains of sunset shining through, mountains on either side.