Putting yourself first.

@Honorata Chorąży-Przybysz - Your videos and pictures always give me the inspiration I need to do stuff.

My Brain seems to go to blancmange when I'm in an environment that isn't healthy for me. Or when I'm on my own and need a Break or self care and when I need something.

Bright pink blancmange. Wobbly.

It's like there's a step missing in me somewhere.

It's like there is an invisible Barrier between being 'not ok' and moving to 'ok'.

That transition step is Blurry.

Maybe it's poor Interception. And Or there's no Energy (psychological and physical).

Sometimes I don't know I'm not ok.

Something I know I'm not ok but I'm frozen, energy-less.

The weird Thing is that even when I know I'm not ok and I know that doing 'x' will help, I don't or can't move to it.

Or getting out of the not ok bit, requires an effort that just feels too much. Even though I know that 'after' will be better for switching.

Monotropism plays out here. Also internalised Demand Avoidance.

I'm Monotropic.

I dive deep. Gloriously and also disastrously.

So whilst I know that a little bit of 'x' (good stuff) is good for me, I can't shift to it if I know it's only a small bit of it.

Even though I know that small bit is still good and better.

My Demand Avoidance wants full submersion and it sits beside me, arms crossed, frowning, saying: 'the crumbs of the good stuff isn't enough for you because you deserve more than crumbs'.

But the crumbs are still better than nothing.

My Demand Avoidance has good intent.

I've been a Masker for 100 years (54 to be precise) and my Demand Avoidance likes being now known.

My DA will now only accept true Autonomy.

Except that right now I do not have full Autonomy.

The moist, sweet, taste of Autonomy is so beautiful and new, that I devour it, but it's not an integrated, familiar, habitual, embedded part of me yet

I forget that Autonomy is important and exists.

Instead I slip and slide into that Masking box, like a comfy, familiar Friend and think I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Masking is Familiar.

And f#cking convincing.

I think I'm Fine.

Those words haunt me.

Because whilst I used/use those words convincing me about Me, I also used those words on and with Others.

'It's going to be fine'.

I am an optimistic person and would try to reassure by following an old familial pattern of believing things would be fine.

Instead of listening.

Instead of discovering.

Instead of asking.

Instead of checking.

I'd positively help people believe it's going to be fine.

It's still Masking. Even if the intent was good. It was a Mask.

So now I sit here, thinking I'm doing really well today.

And I'm not.

But I can't put myself first yet. Not today.

Because Others' needs today are genuinely more important.

As an Autistic Person this really is something I feel really hard.

When someone's needs are more important than ours and yet I/we also have needs.

So who is more important. Me or them?

I believe that's a fundamental psychological struggle for many Autistics.

I know that I have Privileges, thankfully I CAN put myself first soon.

Genuinely.

And I WILL.

It's actually diarised.

But for some, putting themselves first is not possible or too uncomfortable/unfamiliar.

For some, there are too many negative consequences to putting themselves first.

Some have never had it modelled.

Some have been punished or shamed for putting themselves first

.

Some have suffered from Others putting themselves first.

The whole relationship with deciding to say yes or no is tricky.

It's complex.

Until you figure it or until you can put yourself first, please know that there are people out there who understand.

And Honorata, please continue sharing your lovely stuff. It helps.

Various pictures of garden flowers, and a beautiful wind chime.