Rest equals Vulnerable equals Authentic equals more Autistic/Adhd/Monotropic.

See posts by Janae at Trauma Geek to understand this more.

I'm almost at the end of a 4 week period of time off. I was ill (physically) and I recognised I needed an extended period of rest to break/avoid the burnout cycle. Hence the 4 weeks.

I am always battling fatigue but heck, I live a busy full life. And it's Menopause Time for me too. And I'm Monotropic. I already mentioned that.

Monotropic means Attention and Thinking. It also means Senses. It means everything for me.

It means I'm all in and can't easily find my stop/start button.

It also means if I don't have a good reason to not solve something then I'm off solving it.

Sounds great. It can be.

It can also mean I have addictive tendencies. I've been lucky (and it's just luck) that this hasn't included drink/drugs.

But the addiction of food and attention and phone and work and special interest is Big.

When it's Big there's not much room for anything else.

Balance is not easy.

So why waffle here?

Because I've just been to a lush community nature retreat, I go most years, and I was more reclusive and more connected to nature. It was great.

And I want more.

Being more connected and in the process, healing, means I feel more though. I feel everything monotropically more. I'm free and raw and open. More.

And that comes at a price.

Authentic and healed does not mean smooth, easy, nor pretty.

Authentic and healed means I'm alive and can feel all the Feels.

As an example, first day back home and part of good self care, I went for a swim. First time since I got ill. 3 weeks of not going (and I'd only just started).

And today, at the Swim Centre, feeling Authentic and real and connected to Self, I felt all the noise.

All of it.

Background, static noise, small conversations. The lot.

All the instructional words on displays. I read them all unintentionally, fleetingly.

All the back to front signs (push pull backwards so I've no idea if I push or pull). Exit signs as you open a door, written on the inside of the door, so my brain has to translate that it's not a sign for me as I come in, it's for the people leaving. So I had to read it, process it and decide to ignore it.

All the surrounding Emotions. I'm hyper Empathic.

And it was overwhelming.

I couldn't find my locker key because it's been 3 weeks and swimming was a new habit so of course I couldn't find it.

I negotiated a temporary access/locker key. Talking and explaining was compromised, my Thinking was compromised so I was garbled.

I got changed and into the water. I slowed down my swim. I stretched. I regulated with the stroke/rhythm.

Then had to face coming out of the pool. Yucky wet skin. And damp clothes touching me.

And wobbly legs from swimming. Dry clothes sticking to me. So icky.

And no brekkie. Obviously.

And no meds. Obviously.

And I'm f#cking exhausted from the overwhelm.

It's hard being Monotropic, ADHD/Autistic.

There are those that don't understand the struggle ND folk have.

They don't understand that healthy, happy Monotropics struggle.

They don't understand that our ability/tolerance changes moment by moment and that easy things are often not simple.

Our stuff is invisible to you. I get it.

I also understand that from the outside, our healing looks like things are getting harder.

And that's true. That can happen with healing.

But it's still better than Masking and coasting and living Life numb.

Be gentle and kind with us please.

I'll be even quieter over the next few weeks as I rejoin my World of Work but I'm good. I'll be ok.

I'm proud and Privileged that I get to know myself well and model this Self Care malarkey.

Not everyone is this lucky. Imagine how hard it is for those without my Privileges.

Originally posted on 5th August 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page.

Pic description: Me, white woman shoulders and above.. Tired tanned round face. Wet floppy dyed blonde short hair. Pink lipstick. Pale blue jumper. Sitting in my van. I'm looking at the Camera.