All is not Gold.

Originally posted on 11th May 2024 on NeuroDiversity University Blog FaceBook page.

I'm a Counsellor/Psychotherapist. Yes I went to Uni. You can make assumptions about me based on privilege (I have many).

What you may not know is that I flunked school in 1986. I got 2 O'levels, both C grade. 'Just' a pass. English Language and Art.

1987 I enrolled on a years Maths. I flunked it again.

1997, I attempted Counselling Training. 1 year Uni free intro course. I passed but was too scared to carry on.

2002 I attempted an Access course. Sociology, Biology, Psychology. I quit after 4 months because I couldn't focus nor retain information.

2015 I decided this was my last attempt at studying. I chose a University because I couldn't afford 'pay as you go' and the only way to pay was having a Student loan to cover the fees.

I scraped through Assignments. I probably had the lowest grades. But I f#cking did it.

Why am I telling you all this? Because my brain is like treacle. I process things delayed.

I struggle to hold data in my head. You may see me as a 53 year old Muma, Nana, with her sh%t sorted, her house, her Degree, her career as a Counsellor.

I love free writing and expression. I love delivering training and speaking 'mostly' passionately and eloquently (when with safe people). But knowing how ditsy I can be is a proper trauma trigger.

Our work as Counsellors and Psychotherapists, is so important and serious. It's a huge responsibility to be let inside someone's inner world. We deal with dark times, safeguarding stuff and difficult stories. I am strong and capable and ethical and proud of my Clients and proud of myself.

But I am quite defenceless and vulnerable and overwhelmed when it comes to admin and systems and the organised part of my work. Being accountable for legal stuff, ICO, tax office etc is impossible for someone like me. Others describe systems and accounting and I feel like they are speaking to me in another language. It's like I'm wading through water with nothing to keep me afloat. I can't do this on my own. I can't do this myself.

And so I have Admin support. I'd have no choice but to quit my work if I didn't.

That would literally Break my Heart.

But I don't look like someone who would need support. My Adhd and Autism is mostly invisible. And not in my awareness until I was 50.

It sounds hoity and snobby and privileged to be someone who has Admin support.

And it is so very bl**dy far from the truth. I have Privileges that I am very aware I have. Yes.

But I am also very vulnerable. And that is why All That Glitters is not Gold. What we see is rarely the full picture. I am both very strong and very vulnerable and human beings are rather complex creatures. I'm like a Meringue. Hard and big on the outside but floaty and delicate inside. A bit chewy too. No idea why I'm waffling. But I am.

Pic Description. Me, shoulders and above, I'm sat leaning on a table. I am white skinned, short pale hair, smiling. Blue/white print dress, I'm holding some keys in my hands. My hands are much closer to the camera lens and are out of proportion, much larger in scale, very comically so. Blue sky behind in the distance.