Are you a Red flag or Green flag Person?

I'm having to Mask. Sometimes I have to and it's not a choice.

Why?

Because my Autistic brain knows that my interactions, and being me, can't be the priority.

I cannot prioritise myself right now. Today. Because I have some big stuff going on.

I can Mask because I have the privilege of:

The ability to regulate.

The cognitive ability to understand that I can't be number 1 today.

The deep self love that knows I am worthy even if I Mask.

The choice to Mask (today).

I have those privileges because I've had opportunities to have some level of healing and from having experiences in which my needs have been able to be met. My bodybrain now knows what it feels like to be someone whose needs can get met.

I do however, have a breaking point, a tipping point whereby my Masking will drop.

I will never know where or when that tipping point is.

It is dependant on what's happened prior to an event/situation.

It is dependant on necessity. That necessity isn't often a cognitive calculation but rather a bodymind 'knowing', a deep formulae of priority/needs/relevance/timing. It is intrinsic and real.

So today I'm Masking.

I won't 'look' Autistic. I'll look like I have full capacity and in fact I'll look super resilient and that I have no needs.

Please know, I do have needs.

They are suppressed, put to the back of the queue because the stuff that's going on around me today, jumps the queue of importance.

I'm not being a Martyr.

I'm doing what needs to be done today. It's right.

And at some point I will get locked into that Mask, and will find the transition into authenticity, almost impossible.

Because I've lost Me. I have to.

I'm compromising Me. I have to.

I'm being disloyal to Me. I have to.

And that seeps into a lot of old, performative, lifelong trauma. The old time of trauma when I didn't have self love/worth.

So I'm sat here, kind of glorious, whilst inside I'm crashing.

And when I crash, and I will, it will look very different to the 'Super Resilient' version of Me.

That extreme difference will result either in folk who:

Will understand Autism and Masking, and will just trust me, just knowing, that I have a spikey broad range/scope/field of presentations. They know their stuff, and me, enough to believe Me.

Or

They will doubt my truth, deciding that I'm not good enough to be seen as capable when I'm doing good nor when I'm not ok.

Or

They will believe my crash is attention seeking, is weak, or exaggerated/false.

Which kind of Observer are you? Try to answer this instinctively if you can.

Are you going to be a Red flag (unsafe) person to me or a Green flag (safe) person to Me?

Because if you can't handle Me at my worst, you damn well don't deserve Me at my best.

And my best is pretty awesome.

Ps I'm ok. No need to worry about Me.

Picture description: gorgeous blue sky with white and grey clouds, view from a high window, overlooking 3 and 4 storey buildings. Orangey sunset showing in the left of the picture.