Diversity

It is ok for me to admit that I had always intellectualised my emotions and got flooded by emotions. I have many stories to tell about being flooded.

Those were my 2 states. Flooding and also intellectualising.

My emotions were huge and I'd be in a huge dysregulated state. Then after I'd intellectualise them.

But emotions were never felt and never processed. Emotions never got to be felt.

Flooding was not feeling them and not processing them. Flooding was in itself a swamping that meant I could not 'feel' them.

I'd feel the dysregulation sh#t. But not the actual Emotion.

I didn't know this.

In recent years, now I'm in safe relationships, I have found ways to bodily, sensorily, somatically, stay with and be in the emotion:

• Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique aka EFT courtesy of @masha).

• Focussing (Anne Weiser Cornell).

• Reiki.

• Vagul Nervous Regulation - learning with @Traumageek).

• All things Creative @creativecounsellors.

• Meditation with @mindspring (lovely Alistair).

• And just being WITH my Body.

  
  

More present.

More Autonomy (thank you Privilege).

And nowadays I'm more Adhd and Autistic than ever.

I'm more 'Regulated-Adhd-Autistic Me'

I'm more Adhd and Autistic.

Why more?

Because being in a neuronormative Society thinking I was neuronormative and failing at it, caused trauma.

The knowledge that I am Adhd and Autistic gifted me access to my true self. I could shed that neuronormative b@llshit and find myself.

Community helped the healing and voila - here I am closer to my authentic self.

Closer to who I should always have been.

Because that flooding of emotions was my hidden authentic self crying, aching to get out and be free.

I have and am still, working through my trauma.

But I feel more free than I ever have. More authentic, more true and more happy.

And more authentically Adhd and Autistic, without the dollop of trauma.

I'm not made for housework and dull admin and pretend communication and forced boringness.

I'm made for liberation and monotropic interests and love and connection and curiosity and info-dumping and free flowing and changeable.

That doesn't make me spoilt. It makes me healthier so I can find ways to cope or manage the boring.

Managing = clever trade offs, sensible prioritising of chores, and a healthier body.

Someone else's strength will be them loving the thing I hate.

And that's where diversity is beneficial.

Everyone doing more of the thing they are better at and less of the thing that hurts/depletes.

No hierarchy, just all of us going with our unique flow. And just sometimes doing the stuff we hate/can't/dread.

And I can do that because I gained true self awareness and true knowledge about myself.

So in Neurodiversity week, I'm calling it Body Brain Diversity week because we aren't just a brain.

We are BodyBrains and this BodyBrain (me, Jill), loves the Diversity this world offers.

Diversity of people, our bodies, our brains, our interests, our desires.

It would be great if we lived according to who we really are.

It would be great if we didn't have a rule that says we should all do/be the same.

Because those rules ARE there, sometimes invisible, often not, gripping us like poison ivy, harming us, and squeezing the life out of us.

Isn't it great we are not all the same.

Happy Body/Brain Diversity Week.

huge canvas picture, midway painting of a bunch of red berries on a brown branch with green leaves. The background is teal. This canvas has been on my lounge table, for over a week. I dabble and add bits fluidly when I'm drawn to it. Outside of the picture, not seen, is mess in the form of paper towels, splodges of paint in cups filled with murkey water and lots of tubes of paint. My kitchen sink has paint brushes drying permanently in situ.

There is no exact time to paint. Painting calls for me when the moment is monotropically right and I hold no shame for this, nor the mess, nor eating dinner on our laps.

I am also more at peace when I know I need to extract myself (although not easily) from my flow because I'm no longer ripping myself into versions of me, I'm no longer stamping down my authenticity. I'm no longer as exhausted from fitting into spaces that harm me.

Ps I've now run out of time for a shower before my first client. Thankfully there's no smell-a-vision (clients are on line). Also no time to eat something substantial. I'll grab a banana and glass of milk.

As I said, I'm more Adhd and Autistic behind that dollop of (lifelong) trauma.