We are who we are.

I waffle on about the fact that the harm Adhd and Autistic folk experience, is as a Result of the splitting, masking and denial of who we really are.

Many of us Autistics/Adhd/Monotropics, have had to fit a box, squash ourselves, wear a disguise, to survive or cope in a Neuronormative world. And that hurts us.

Some of us didn't even know we were doing this, but we DID know that something about us wasn't ok, something was 'off'.

And some Autistic Adhd Monotropic folk have Privileges that allow them to thrive exactly as they are.

They may not even ever know their Brain diverges* because privilege and luck means they live Authentically and have their needs met.

For me and many like me, the realness underneath would creep out, peak out, splatter outwards, in a shame-filled, judged, ugly way, pettifying us, leading us to believe we are Less Than.

Understanding all the splatter hasn't stopped the splatter. Interestingly, lots of people do not want to accept the splatter. They want to lose that part of themselves they don't like.

So I'm here to disappoint you with the reality that we aren't meant to be tidy, average, balanced humans.

We are meant to be Authentic (when safety allows) so that we find the people and lifestyles that match us, that suit us, that create Wellness. So that we can do what we need, to thrive, and to function fully and to get our needs met.

Except the World wants balanced, steady, performing Humans, squeaky clean and simple.

The Western world outcasts and shames less balanced folk.

But I've learnt that Balance doesn't look the same for everyone.

Balance doesn't mean flat-lining and erasing our differences.

For me, Balance is Adulting alot of the time but then also:

Still having big emotions,

An occasional meltdown,

Sometimes a Burnout.

Aswell as the odd, surprising, weird, 4.30am bedtime procrastination that has includes a glorious binge-watch, working on a new painting and gaving way too much sugar.

Balance is recognising that an RSD or Migraine Flare-up that floors me, is telling me to look at something that needs attention, or forcing me to rest. Once resolved and after the rupture (like a boil or spot bursting), I bounce back.

This IS my balance.

I've learnt that fighting real Acceptance creates a bigger pressure and more exploding/splatter/shame.

Giving in to my BrainBody Authenticity means I'm still wonky, but also more Creative, more exciting and more bloody Glorious and Gorgeous than ever.

Acceptance is not pity. It is not excuses.

It is not finding a way to fit in. It is not losing the Wonkiness. It is learning about ourselves.

It is finding exactly who you are, just as you are, the good bits and the bad bits, but with less distress and with more Peace within it.

I'm mostly ok with that. I accept that. It feels right and healthy.

And thankfully I have people around me who also Learn and understand about

Differences and hellfire, that makes Life much better.

*note: the language of being Divergent is in itself controversial, diverging from normal implies normal is the goal. Others write about this.

Ps the place between losing your Mask and finding the original version of yourself, is scary and fecking messy. Do not let anyone tell you that Therapy and vulnerability is easy. It isn't.

Pss Unmasking is not safe for everyone, particularly marginal oppressed groups and is not possible all the time.

Pic description: An uncompleted huge canvas I'm working on at (now) 5.09am. It's blues and browns and greens, there's Art clutter in the background on the table because I beautifully, freely, naturally, dip in and out of many different Crafts. I'm not in it for successful Art, I'm in it for the fun. I'm now going to bed to sleep (5.12am). I am able to have a lie-in thankfully.