It was my Birthday.

It was my Birthday yesterday.

I planned every bit of it because I find Birthdays are full of icky expectations. I am someone who naturally thinks alot.

I didn't plan the day because I need it to be perfect.

I planned it because Authenticity is having people around you who know you are weird and still love you.

Authenticity is self compassion but also, it's the privilege of having those in your life understand your big thoughts and wonkiness.

To be clear, I don't think my way of thinking is wonky. These wormy, wiggly, squiggly, moving thoughts are my normal.

The world tells me that my wiggly thoughts are not normal. People think they are anxiety or distress symptoms.

They can be. Not always though. Mostly they are not.

They can be exaggerated when I try to stop them.

They can be exaggerated when some people judge me or just tell me they are too much.

When people tell me that my thoughts are too much, they are actually, unknowingly, telling me that THEY see them as too much/wrong.

Their view may be shared with what they believe are good intentions. They may really believe that. I can see their intent genuinely comes from a good place.

Just because it comes from a good place does not mean it's good.

Us human beings need to dissect communication and intentions.

Why?

Because Humans are complex.

My Brain is complex, and my thoughts can go off on tangents and depth and forethought and possibilities and it can lead to amazing, really good things. I really really mean that.

I appreciate that how I'm perceived and experienced, may look complicated, and unnecessary to some.

I'm aware I may exhaust some people.

And that's ok.

It's ok because if I exhaust you then you matter too, and I might not be right for you or good for you in that moment.

You do not need to blame me.

We do not need to be blamed.

We do not need to blame people when one thing doesn't suit another.

It's all about matching.

Do things match right now.

No? Then let's negotiate change where it's possible or, let's not be present with each other right now, or let's put adaptions in to reduce the clash.

I was trained in health and safety stuff years ago. I loved it because there was an equation of probability, risk, need and safety management.

I just got an Autistic glimmer typing that .

Communication is kind of the same.

Which of us can adapt/accommodate? Do we know what each of us are really saying/needing? Let's problem solve. Let's get data (data is my favourite word).

Humans should be taught this stuff.

I think this stuff is really really simple.

It's complex but really really simple.

So I had a lovely Birthday (yes, that was my intention with this post ).

It was lovely because my family know me and know I hate seeing folk get presents wrong.

I hate that with present receiving, options are to thank them even if I don't like the gift, or to lie and say it's lovely thus giving them the belief that I like said gift which increases the possibility of them getting the same gift which is just daft.

Or we say the truth which could offend because then what happens? They take it back. Or I pass it on. In which case I have no gift in which case what's the point of 'guessing the gift'.

If I offend someone they could then blame me when I'm actually just being honest.

It's complex.

Some people play mind games where old wounds are festering and all of the above gets 'played out' with conscious or subconscious harms and hurts.

Honesty is great but it can only happen in safety.

Honesty is crucial but it can't be successfully done when someone isn't being fully honest and transparent.

Being honest whilst holding back is not honesty.

Holding back to avoid hurting someone is also complex and clunky.

Honesty is not just about the content of words.

Honesty is about the content of hearts.

You can say a Truth whilst being dishonest in your heart.

This is why I had a lovely Birthday. It was gloriously honest and transparent.

My loved ones know I prefer that they ask me what I want. They ask me what I want to do.

They know I don't like guesswork.

Is that Selfish?

It's my f@cking Birthday. It's a day to be fully selfish.

If they forgot to get a card or to think of a present then I do not care.

My love for them is what happens every day.

My understanding of feeling loved by them is what happens every day.

Ironically, when I don't feel loved or respected day to day, then the lack of a card on my birthday, would hurt because of the reminder that I don't feel loved/seen by them the rest of the time.

It is not about the card.

And this is where it's complex yet simple.

I feel so very loved and understood by my loved ones, that the day itself, my birthday, is a day to celebrate my ability to give data, to give demands about what I do and don't want.

Special days highlight what's good and bad in your Life.

I have had many heartbreaking special days that have shone a light, magnified the cracks, regardless of whether the gift was given with lots of thought and well-meaning. I've had what would be deemed perfect gifts that have hurt my heart.

My big thinking and desire to plan my day is not a sign of distress or control.

My big thinking is an innate part of me that causes tiredness and then wonder.

My big thinking has caused distressing negative thoughts loops the content of which have exhausted and hurt me but have also led me to face things that needed attention.

My big thinking has created some of the most exciting, beautiful moments and ideas.

And so yesterday, on my birthday, I was transparent. I was seen. I was understood. I was respected.

And those gifts are f#cking priceless.

Me, white person, short blonde hair. I'm on the right of the picture, looking towards the camera, I'm at the cliff edge, green grass under foot, blue sea in the distance behind me. I'm wearing blue jeans and a black jumper I'm smiling. Pic taken early June.