Migraines, Interoception and Privilege

Today I am ill, migraine, day cancelled.

Being Autistic and Adhd is for me, a lot of guesswork. I can't always read my body cues and often I feel tired and grumpy without realising I'm ill.

I can't tend to whatever is wrong, if I can't identify it.

I take medication for Migraines, preventative meds, every day. I have had migraines my whole life but just accepted them. I never knew Migraine meds were a thing.

The first day I took them, about 3 years ago, I was shocked at how life felt without a constant headache.

Having a constant headache wasn't obvious to me because it was my norm. No one knows how others experience life because we aren't them.

I knew about the Migraines but I actually had a constant low level headache. I didn't know until it wasn't there. That's how I noticed it.

Same thing when I take my bra off. Relief.

Same thing when a loud sound is removed. Relief.

To be clear, it's only in the absence that I realise the Thing 'had' bothered me.

I'm also prone to having symptoms of things in tandem with others. If I'm unwell I'll always check with my nearest and dearest, to see if they are ill too. Often it's a yes.

I have been low energy and tired this last week. And grumpy. Everything felt difficult. I found myself sighing a lot.

It was only as it built up that I wondered if something was wrong.

Then yesterday I woke with a big headache. Moving around it eased and I could still function with it. It came in manageable waves but 'hit' bigger last night.

Today, bigger headache, a Migraine.

I've remembered that emotions often come out as Migraines for me, and there is a lot of sadness in my life right now.

So I know I need to stop and cancel my day.

I have the Privilege of being able to do that. I'm self employed.

I have the Privilege of being aware of finance management that means I can cope with this if I have to.

I have the privilege of knowing about Interoception.

I have the Privilege of no direct dependants that rely on me (anymore).

I have the Privilege of contracting with clients so they have Autonomy in choosing to work with me or not, because I can risk telling them that I get migraines.

I have the Privilege of less shame because I, and those around me, support my poor interoception.

I have the Privilege of Community in which I have learnt I am not alone in struggling to understand Audhd health.

I have the Privilege of knowing I am Audhd.

I have the Privilege of Communication.

And it's still sh*t having a f*cking migraine and having to cancel folk.

Imagine having that Privilege but not knowing you have that Privilege, and judging others for being ill.

Imagine having that Privilege and oppressing those without that Privilege, speaking about them, making Life harder for them.

It's not ok, is it.

Hugs to anyone struggling today.

A picture of my stripey quilt, with a cup of tea on a plate and 2 books. For the moments I can read as I feel slightly better.